Saturday, December 25, 2010
The kids first woke up at 5:30 this morning but I mumbled something incoherent to their pleas and promptly fell back asleep. At 6:30 I finally succumbed to all the cheerful chatter and giggles. It was a sweet morning. It's wonderful to feel the excited energy, to hear Aislyn say,"This is the best Christmas ever!" To hear all the "thank yous" and "awesomes". I remember being a kid, and how I loved the night time with the beautiful Christmas lights on the tree. I remember the smell of the tree and how everything just felt happier.I hope that each one of my kids are creating their own special memories. I hope that they feel happier. I hope that they recognize the love of their Savior and how it feels.
I feel strange today. My emotions are very close to the surface. I find myself crying randomly. I find myself missing my brother Brent so much it hurts. He is so steady and sure, so dependable and so amazingly loving. I miss knowing that he is close by, because he would always drop everything and do everything he could to help if I needed it. I love my family. I am so thankful to be a Judd and to have that love and support. I am so thankful for my Carroll family. My mother is a saint on earth. I am amazed at all she does for others. I am thankful for my dad and I 'm thankful to know him and understand what are wonderful man he is more each passing year. I am thankful to know my Steve Done dad and have him be a part of our lives. He is so generous and kind.
The past couple of months I have been led to discover some things about my sweet Aisy J.Her unusual and unruly behavior has been increasing by an alarming amount the last few months. She has recently been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. I still have a ton of researching to do. But it is a disorder in the spectrum of autism. And it explains SO much about Aislyn. It explains every strange thing she has ever done. It's interesting to see the phases of coping with difficult news.At first I felt relieved to know that there was a reason. Then I felt fear, for her future, for her capabilities. Now I feel hope, but unbelievably overwhelmed. I don't know where to go, what to do. All the occupational therapists within 50 miles of us are booked out for 6-8 months. But the hardest thing for me is letting Thomas go through his own phases of dealing.
I don't know that I've ever had so much "stuff" to deal with at one time in my life before. But in it I can see amazing blessings, and the sweet love of my Savior. Today I was reading the conference Ensign, a talk by Henry B. Eyring, who I love SO much. He is such a sweet and tender man.The message struck me very deeply. Peace and happiness come from trusting my heavenly Father. Simple and of course makes sense. But it's a concept that doesn't distill on my soul without the help of the Holy Ghost. Just trust Him, it is all for my good, for Aislyn's good, for Thomas' good. It is, so that we might be compelled to turn to our Savior and feel his love and healing. And what I realized is that He trusts me. He trusted me with this beautiful little girl, to raise her and love her and teach her the truth. And so, I resolve yet again to never give my Father in heaven reason to loose his trust in me. I will do my best.